Alexandra Ciausescu

Nov 30, 2018

4 min read

Why you can’t find love

Describe the perfect relationship in 3 words…

We all want to be happy, but many associate happiness with being in a relationship. We spend a good part of our lives looking for a partner, a soulmate, yearning for the perfect love story… a story — something that belongs to the realm of imagination. Now if I think about it, I realize that I don’t know anybody who has lived such an ideal romance. Do you?

My parents are far from Hollywood’s standards, and despite that, they’ve been together for more than 25 years. Some of my buddies have long-lasting relationships even if I could’ve sworn multiple times that they would break up. I have some friends who got married and it’s not all milk and honey but as imperfect as they are, they are perfect for each other. All relationships have something in common: love. And I am not referring to the cliché version of this concept, but to the authentic one, in which you embrace the other with all its shadows and lights without trying to change him(her), but cherish your lover because he/she is.

The opposite of love is fear.

Fear, like love, is a state of consciousness. Fear blocks us, limits our development and expansion. Why can’t you love (have a relationship)?

Because you’re afraid.

Fear of commitment

I want to be in a relationship … but I want things to be like before … but in a relationship. To be in a relationship does not mean losing your freedom, but being aware of the other person’s feelings and your power to generate or influence those feelings. Think of two violins that have to be tuned in so they can sing the same song. You can or may not change some thinking or behaviour habits to synchronize with the other.

Freedom also implies responsibility. Sure, you can be in a relationship and do everything that gets in your mind, but consider the impact that your actions will have on the dynamics between the two of you. You deserve the compromises that you are willing to do.

But what does freedom really mean for you? Why can’t you be free in a relationship?

Fear of intimacy

What the hell is this? I’m not kidding … for real. To be intimate with someone doesn’t mean just sex. It means to really expose yourself, to be vulnerable. Allow the other to see your good parts (you are a hard working, friendly, smart person) but also those things you are not proud of (you do not like how you look, you are addicted to sweets, you are insecure, etc.). We are afraid of being judged or criticized for our imperfections, and then we choose not to get involved fully — we are looking for “cheaper” alternatives — one-night stands or friends with benefits are just a few. However, you know the drill: you get as much as you give. Most of the times we are afraid of intimacy because we are not comfortable with ourselves and are ashamed of who we truly are. What would you like to change for yourself? What would make you appreciate more?

Fear of responsibility

We avoid admitting that we are responsible for our own lives. When things are not the way we wanted … it’s our fault.Of course, you are pleased with your own life, but if you had a partner, that lover… things would be perfect. Often we include in the picture of the “ideal relationship” the things that are missing out of our lives: safety, trust, support, etc. In this way, the expectations from our possible or current partner are very high (Herculian) and it is very possible that he or she will not meet them. That’s how we get stuck into thinking that we’ll be alone all of our lives, or we’ll never find love.

What are the things you expect from a relationship or from a partner and that are now missing from your life? How could you get them in another way?

Concluding: the reason why you can’t find love is fear.

Warm hugs,


True Love

The Love-Fear Mindset