Alexandra Ciausescu

Jun 16, 2019

3 min read

Poor Devil or Poor Me?

Ego is the border of the mirror we call soul.

We look into the eyes of the others and don’t recognise our own reflection. More than those we praise, the ones we hate mirror us. We see ourselves in their speech, in their gestures, in the way they look, the way they think and still, we say: „that is not me”. We are angry on those we call egoists, greedy, rude, vulgar… Are we angry on them or angry on us? Ashamed that somewhere in the back of our minds we envy them for being able to express what we oppress?

Photo by frankie cordoba on Unsplash

When we meet the devil sometimes we make a deal.

We allow ourselves to be lustful, proud, mad. We become like them: like my father, that was never wrong, like that boy that „loved” me… and many others at the same time, like that man who butchered my emotions. I feel entitled, I feel like if they can do it, I can. And I did. I did „had fun”, I did „went mad”, I did feel alone… I did know it was wrong.

Someday, I stopped and „morphed into the Christ”: „I forgive you because you are a poor soul and I am better”. Am I? Or is it another perversion of the ego? another game to be better, to win the race?

Photo by Shalone Cason on Unsplash

Each of them had something that made me twitch. A burning twin flame that I would unconsciously sense inside. When you bring light to the shadows of the soul you’ll see that lust is another way to say „I feel alone and I am scared”. Pride is actually „I don’t want to disappoint you by not being enough”. Envy- „I am afraid to let my light shine as you do”. „I feel I am not enough, I need more”, that is greed. Gluttony means: „I feel a whole inside me and I don’t know how to cover it, to stop the pain”. I hear wrath screaming: „I am disappointed in myself”. Finally, sloth is all about „I lost my way, I don’t know what I am supposed to do, I don’t know what to do and be meaningful”.

Beyond good and bad there is a place where you have enough space to be yourself, as you are. Then you can look into the eyes of others and see a mirror. In that instant, all that is left to say is „I love you” because you already love yourself.

Sometimes I love you means I will give you space to be yourself, as you are even if that means I will have to leave.

Photo by Alina Sofia on Unsplash

Once you get into another level of consciousness you may be ashamed „of what you did”. I’ve done many terrible stuff: I destroyed, I lied and I cheated, most of the times myself. And that is it. I can’t do anything about it, only to be grateful that those happened and brought me where I am now.

I love also means I forgive. I set free. I set myself free of who I was to be who I am. After you let go of fear, anger and you allow sadness in, then you open the gates of love.

The deeper my sadness, the deeper my love.


Writer with the soul of a poet. I'm trying not to take myself too serious. Deeply grateful that I can share my thoughts & emotions with you.

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