We lie every day, every moment, without even realizing it sometimes. We do it out of habit, out of necessity or due to social norms. We lie to protect others, we lie to protect ourselves.
Lying is a vast topic which cannot be depicted in only one post.
Now, sorry male readers I am going to talk about the lies women tell themselves when in a relationship, this may seem boring for you but I still recommend reading it for an insight into female thinking. This „wisdom” was collected throughout my experience and enriched by my friend’s stories. Most of this situations are not lies, per se, but rather moments of extreme rationalization as I would call them. I think it is impressing how us, humans, can find „rational” arguments that would support our beliefs, even if they are not logical. I bet I can find at least 3 excuses for writing this instead of reading for my exam. The real problem here is that this „technique” blinds us for seeing an living the truth and when the reality and our fantasy world collide, pain and suffering emerges. Thus, my advice, even if you didn’t ask for it, is always speak, see and live the truth.
I was once, not that long ago, in love with a very charming and smart guy. He was good-looking, polite and well educated, a killer combination for most women, including me. Not only this but what I found the most pleasing about him were our conversations. I love talking about ideas and mundane stuff bore me. Philosophy, foreign cultures, economy, etc. he was not a stranger to this. Additionally, he was an entrepreneur, and his passion for his work was very inspiring … in the beginning.
It was a time when my schedule was very busy and still is, but I always make time for my priorities. And I make a priority of having genuine relationships with people (not everybody, I am pretty picky, to be honest). His schedule was busy too, he had to manage several businesses and work to do for the organisations he was a member in. It annoyed me that we would rarely meet, like no more than twice a week, there were weeks we didn’t meet and postponing our encounters became a habit for him.
From my previous experience with both boys and men, I learned that I should have patience. I learned that I should be kind and supportive. I learned that first, you have to give in order to get. And I did it all. I thought he was busy, and he really was, and due to the fact that at his core he was an introvert, maybe he didn’t feel or know how to communicate with me or maybe he had another vision about normal human behaviour and interactions.
Long story short, my diligence went out after another postponed Saturday night, preceded by a 2 weeks absence. I felt miserable. And I cried, a lot, and it was not for the first time.
For real, I asked myself, do I deserve this? And I said no. I don’t deserve to be happy just 2 hours once a week (if lucky). I deserve someone who would not only find my presence pleasing but appreciate me and give me the consideration I deserve and finds the moments we spent together delightful. Someone that fully deserves my attention, time and emotions because he offered me as much as I gave.
I heard my story again and again in many forms. Regardless of the protagonists, the key facts are the same. Every time you find an excuse for him not giving you attention, time or love (which basically means, sorry sweetheart you are not that important as you wish) you find an excuse to be unhappy.
Sometimes guys act this way maybe because you did something.
Calm down, don’t get angry all of the sudden. Sometimes is our fault too, and it took me quite a while to figure this out and act accordingly. Others mirror ourselves, and I don’t say it in a metaphysical way, but form a behavioristic perspective. Treat him wrong, attack his self-worth and expect him to bring you flowers and chocolate? Really?
Ok, I’m done, this post is not about this, but I warn you, we’ll talk about this latter.
Things are not going the way they should, but everything will get better.
Sure, everything will get better if you act in a way that will make things get better. You see a huge rock falling from the sky in your direction, what do you do? You stay there and say: no worries, things will get better. Or you move your ass?
If you don’t act upon solving the problem when they emerge, they won’t fix up by themselves and only more decay will appear in your partnership.
Most of the time, this (that things will get better, just let them be) is the excuse we employ when we are afraid. But we are not afraid of the discussion by itself but rather we are afraid of being alone, we are afraid of rejection, we are afraid to defend our beliefs, we are afraid to acknowledge that maybe it was our fault too… But fear only generates chaos and if you won’t talk about it in the beginning, then all that anger and frustration will pile up and manifest in a real war.
Also if you want to have the “friendly chat” you should try to do as little damage as possible. Don’t tell him he is hopeless and everything he does is bad. This is not a good strategy if it harmony that you seek. Rather point out what can be worked upon and done properly. Explain why is that important and how would make you feel if things would happen the way you would like to. Also, this is a negotiation, not a decree, so listen (actively) on what he has to say.
Also, if your relationship is at the beginning and things really don’t work out, cut it off as quick as you can. If you don’t share the same values and vision about life, all that awaits you are long debates. There was once this boy that told me I think and talk too much so I should shut up. Well, sayonara. If you manifest your inferiority complex aggressively, take a sit here while I’m leaving to find a better place.
Living the truth takes courage but the alternative is chaos and suffering
I have a very vivid imagination. And so have you, my female friend. Every time we meet a guy and we fell in love we think he is the one. The chosen one.
Until all those chemicals run out of your body and realize he is just another Joe, with his flaws (as you are). Then if things go wrong, you break out, eat tonnes of chocolate or ice cream (or transform in a workaholic as I used to do) … bam! John is here! He is the chosen one! As was Steve, Alex, Tom …
There is no perfect guy and, please, do not imagine a whole life with a man you just met a few weeks ago. The real adventures start 14 months later when you discover he, like you, is a mortal entity, not a Greek deity. This Adonis, like you, has pluses and minuses, and learning how to cope with them takes time and constant effort.
Also before settling for one, try as much as you can. Learn what you like and not, how to behave and not, what a relationship really is. If I would have married every guy I dated until now, I would have to set a tent in front of the court due to the fact that I would have more than 30 divorces. Every time I had something to learn and an opportunity to grow, during the relationship and as a result of the split.
Often, women over 30 (but not only them) start using this lie:”I invested too much in this relationship, I have no time to start again or there will be none left for me, all good men are taken”. Sure, things get harder when you have kids and taxes to pay but this is not an excuse to suffer in a dysfunctional relationship. Sure, with time you will get used to it, and being sad and in pain will be normal but, is that what you really deserve?
If you would have more trust in your uniqueness and cultivate your authenticity by doing as your inner voice whispers you, then you will not be afraid that no one will appreciate or be interested in you. This combined with kindness and optimism make a perfect melange.
It is never too late to take charge of your happiness. No matter if you are 21, 36, 44 or 59.
The most common and destructive lie ever women tell themselves is that one day prince charming will show up. He will save them from this cruel world and they will live happily ever after as depicted not only in Disney movies but in popular sequels such as 50 Shades of Gray or Twilight.
There is no Dorian. If you want to succeed in life you have to work hard, no one will give it to you, you must deserve it. Otherwise, you will be weak, you will be too fragile and dependent upon others. Being a trophy wife/girlfriend is not an achievement is just giving up and accepting the easy way (is not wrong but is neither fulfilling).
This in the happy scenario, you find one, but there are greater chances that probably you’ll be in your 30s and still wait for the one. If you still want to be a princess be more like Mulan than the Sleeping Beauty.
Now, don’t expect your husband or boyfriend to be prince charming. Because he is not, and it is unfair to think of him in this way by imposing imaginary unachievable standards. This does not mean you should not have standards.
Also, this piece of advice was golden for me and it came from a man. If a guy helps you, he likes you. Ok, you can do that on your own, the true power does not come from proving yourself but rather from learning to be served. If you feel like proving yourself, man or woman, you should do an introspection because there might be something deeper in the subconscious that caused this.
This one is like a fetish for women. It is not totally a lie but it kind of is. To change him.
Women dream of encountering a beast and tame it. They want to “control” something powerful. There was this funny study about erotic female fantasies and most of them included: werewolves, vampires, pirates or millionaire.
Girls, as my mom would say you have it as you take it which means you can’t change him, or at least at his core. Sure, usually women make men more self-conscious due to 2 factors in my opinion. We (females) are more aware of the social norms and are used to obey them more (look at the double standards regarding the number of partners one should have or the fact that is not appropriate to make dick jokes regardless of the situation). Furthermore, another interesting research concluded that women are pickier than men (no surprise). When we mate we take into consideration more factors than a man does and this is evolutionary psychology, but by being “judged”, men become more aware of themselves and their behaviour change.
But I like to think that in a relationship both partners should grow and not only one “changes” but both. Furthermore, you are not his mom nor his friend or psychotherapist, you are his lover, his partner, his wife and this status is different.
In order to get rid of these lies, your actions must match your mind ( logic and emotions) and spirit (which is not your mind). This takes practice. I still struggle with it. Once you spot the lie and decide to act right (in accordance with the reality, the truth) than half of the problem is solved.
If you are a guy and read this article until here, man, you are a tough one. Congratulations.