A regular date, that’s all I wanted…

I wished, at least once, I had a regular date, but it seems I caught a taste for madness…

-I tell you, nothing teaches us more about life than death. Existential problems, those are not complicated jigsaws only old man with beards can solve. Nope, it’s all a matter of grammar! A 5-year-old can do it too! It’s simple, I tell you… obvious! We mistake verbs for nouns.

Here we go again…

-It’s crazy! How can you give scissors to a 2-year-old! They start cutting everything! Mommy, daddy, kitty, tree … then they go to more advance stuff: good, bad… when they are teenagers they start to cut themselves, and by the time they get to their twenties, they panic because they have so many pieces and have no clue what to do with them…

Which one is me? This? That? Maybe both? They start looking for models, schemas and explanations, sometimes they become their parents, other times their friends, most of the times their habits. And then there are those idiots who think they can make a flowchart of being human… How do they call it? Philosophy, religion, lifestyle, mindset… nonsense.

What should I make for dinner? Pasta? Meh… I had pasta 2 days ago, maybe hummus?

’30s are coming and poor souls think they are out of time, so they just stick it all together in a mumble-jumble of meanings and symbols and hope it will work… they say: I finally figured it out, I know what to do, I know my purpose- gosh, give me a break…. by the time they hit their 40’s pieces start falling, and they name it „midlife crisis”.

Their whole life was a crisis, but now they have time to think about it.

Where did I begin? Aaa… It’s all a problem of grammar. People have this crazy idea that they have to be nouns, like something solid, something finite, and they go crazy about finding the perfect form, „their true self” they stack up courses, coaching, NLP, „10 steps to become the best version of yourself” and become obsessed about this quest of finding the holy grail of personal development. Sweetheart, I told you this before, this crusade for truth it’s just a fools game.

When you were a child they thought you nouns and how to divide, so you cut the world and yourself in tiny pieces, like carrots you cut yourself julienne. And don’t take me wrong there is nothing bad with that, there was no I to begin with- but we’ll talk about this later. Sooooo division… yes, and then you became obsessed with multiplication, you wanted to have more, do more, be more.

But you got locked up in your head. In how you should be, should do, you must achieve. You build up all these fantasy stories about who you are and try to fit yourself in that tiny box made of random pasts and inexistent futures called Alexandra.

Alexandra, Alejandra, Aleksandra, Alex, Ali, Anca …

That’s the trick: humans are not nouns, they are verbs. Always changing, always transforming, never the same. Suffering comes from trying to be something instead of just being. When you touch shape, when you become shape, when you enter time… you get stuck in the mud!

You are the breathing world…

A deep breath, that’s what I need right now…A cup of coffee that’s all I wanted…God, it’s always the same, a big headake… what can I do? I love her… But you know sometimes I wish we could just be normal… like Netflix and Instagram…

Hope your heart savoured this piece and your mind tingle a little. I’m currently experimenting with different shapes, forms and sounds, let me know what you think.

With love,

Alexandra

Writer with the soul of a poet. I'm trying not to take myself too serious. Deeply grateful that I can share my thoughts & emotions with you.

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